I'm posting this now because I couldn't get on t'internet when I wrote it on the 22nd.

I don’t know what it is at the moment, but I feel absolutely pooped with life.
I think the job is depressing me, but I have to figure out what I want to do about the house before I do anything else. And I think I’ll probably go for it...hopefully won’t end up regretting that in the end.
Think maybe I am just a little bit suffering over hanging out too much with people from work. I suppose they’ve become my best friends here, and I absolutely love them to death, but it’s to see people all day all week, and then go out with them and see them all night (and probably talk about work again), just not sure it really gives you a break from things.
Then there’s the whole dating thing. I think today, and the last couple of weeks, I’ve realized just how bloody pooped I am with the whole thing, and then that gets me down even more because I wonder if in this state of mind I’d even notice if I did meet someone I wanted to go out with. It’s a very strange feeling.
To feel utterly exhausted and past caring, and yet at the same time subconsciously caring very much, because when people talk about wonderful exes, or their present boyfriends, I get this really sad feeling that is bottomless and endless, it just goes so deep it feels like it’s part of me, a black crack of lonliness.
And deep down you know that you have to figure out how to plumb that crack up, because while it’s there and that deep, people can sense it’s very near the surface and won’t want to come near it. You need to be happy with where you are and who you are. I don’t think I am at the moment.
I keep thinking about the guy at Anais’ party as well, I think that I didn’t even like him, yet I followed him around like a little puppy at the end, and let another guy reject me again. I should’ve just left, been the one leaving, been the one with something to do in the morning.
I wonder if in part that’s what this is all about. Another rejection.
I feel like going away and hiding in a big hole, just getting away from it all somewhere, but I don’t really know where to go any more.
This is Amsterdam, and until now none of this has really bothered me before, I’ve been having a fab time, and I know I will again.
It’s just everything seems like an effort right now.