Have had a very interesting holiday of weird and wonderful things happening - I got back on the saturday (missing the McKinsey Ball, gutted), but seeing the girls which was amazing - I arrived really late on the saturday, was absolutely knocked as had been traipsing around london from Gatwick, no direct train, lots of changes with my very heavy bags. Anna came and met me at the station, but it was not great because then she wanted to do all her food shopping and I just wanted to get home. Was a bit of a grumpy guts apparently.

Went out for our glitter girls night which was really fun, with Kate and Gabs, Laura and met their friend there. Got a snog and some guy took my number so was quite an interesting night, even though the music was really baaaad - really soulful and we were all on it, and we couldn't get our groove on because it was just too slow. Annoying.

Went on sunday to view my flat and took some mince-pies around to the girls. It was really cool to see the place, almost back to normal I reckon. Much tidier. Got handed the carpet cleaning bill, not sure if that got taken off my rent because it shouldn't really have but it was only 9o quid so I guess I can live with it:) Will ask about it though, and chatting to Alex it seems like I can put my rent up because it's gone up a lot in London recently.

I also got all my mortgage renewal notice through - can't bear the thought of going through all that again. Baad! One of my New Year's Resolutions is to stop putting all that stuff off so long and just deal with it. Hate doing it, and already going to be late with my personal tax thing for 2011.

Then Anna and I went out for a lovely curry, and went to bed fairly early bit we did have a nice wander around Clapham which is still really changing at the moment: the leisure centre around the corner from me is finally finished and all spangly and chrome - looks really cool. Lots of new shops, new bars and restaurants. It's still strange to go back, it feels like such a long time that I lived there and I still have all these memories of when I was there, mostly still to do with M even though he was such a small part of my life there, really.

Anyway, Monday had to do some work (hotel thing came back in AGAIN), and then went to meet Anna in town to go to Selfridges - got my bro his pressie, and then I headed over to steve's place, and anna headed home. It was cool to go to Steve's, we had a quick drink and chat over what we'd been emailing about...so nice to talk to someone about all that stuff. The couple of days I spent there (with him, Ania, and his tantric friend Gavin, let's just say they were very interesting and opened my eyes to things I had no idea I could feel (or express), and ended up with a kind of group massage/mutual pleasure season where we were all naked. So much fun and amusing, and it was quite pleasurable, and it wasn't awkward or anything afterwards which is always what I was afraid of. It made me come away with hope for the first time in years, that that area of my life can improve massively, and also that if you just keep an open mind you never know what will happen.

What I now know is that it's a massive form of energy. I realise it's not surprising some women are more attractive to the opposite sex than others: it's all an energy force. If you're getting it, cultivating it, thinking about it, acting on it, that form of energy is much stronger than in others - and you can literally feel it, and even use it to attract the opposite sex. If those women are naturally very hypnotic and empowering, they have a lot of that energy naturally and then they use it, it's their nature and entirely subconscious. Others (like me) have never cultivated or used to even been aware of that energy - I am naturally low in it, but I can cultivate it and grow it and become aware of it, by knowing that above fact, and actively trying. It's funny and it makes sense and it's what I've always wondered about when I've seen those kind of women at work, and felt somehow envious of them. All women have that natural power, but some (like me), have been a bit scared of it and kind of denied it, and suppressed it. But that's enough now! Enough!

It's why when I dance I feel that power and I'm aware of it, and I know it's strong - what I feel with dance is what most women feel around men I can only think:)

Anyway, I just had a few days of letting my own femininity being stroked and adored, and letting someone adore it, and not trying to give something back or deny it, or think about all that stuff. It was absolutely great, and I never thought I could feel like that or do those things.

Anyway i left a few days later just floating, flirted with the coffee man, got on the train, and went back to Annas where I just chilled out by myself and rested up after all those sleepless nights. Anna was on a date with the man, Amile, had a nice time, but he still doesn't sound keen enough to me. Who knows though.

Thurs went back into town to meet Anna at lunch, and then we wandered to the Tate for the Gerhard Richter expedition, it was really cool - van't believe not heard of that artist before. I really enjoyed it actually;. Met Jana and Anna, and then Laura came and joined us in Soho in Graphic bar in the evening, but was coming down with this fluey cold thing I still have, so we left at a decent hour even though were were talking of finding some other pleases to go an dance in, it was busy, and expensive and typically Soho.

Left really early on Friday morning with Anna, got a cab to Heathrow because I couldn't face lugging my luggage, and also because was feeling a bit shitty - been at home last few days with flu, but enjoying christmas. Eating, sleeping, opening pressies of course which were lovely - mum gave us all some K's cash which means can finally afford to buy my new iPhone, and probe a holiday somewhere nice in the future, whoop! Really cool.

Been sleeping like a monster though, was really tired. Need to get my energy up again when I get back to the Netherlands.

The Sales here are crazy, I have bought a couple of things but could really go mad, everything is like over half price off. Next year I come back and buy some things from my flat from here and lug them back in my case. Or in the summer sales. The savings are really mad - got a pair of really good trainers for 34 squids, can get new sports gear for half price, kettles for 14-20 quid, other shoes really cheaply (might have to go back and buy another pair actually), is really mad.

Anyway, more later. Just wanted to do a quick update because it's been a while.