The first session I ended feeling completely wrung out. After talking, she took me back to my schooldays, to all those insecurities I had - to the wrench of being away from my family suddenly and in a school environment with rules and regulations that I hated.
There I saw that horrible kind of plywood games room, with the tuck lockers. I stood there in the middle of that room all alone and felt angry at myself, and angry at my parents, and really, really lonely, I hadn't made any friends yet. At that point, although I got over it, something inside me happened and that little girl found that to cope she had to surround herself with friends and not depend on any one person - and apparently that's what I've been doing since. My friends become my family and thats part of the reason I haven't let a special one person in since. I don't like depending on people/
I saw the dorms, I saw matron weirdly, really vividly, and felt that hate at her stupid rules and stupid face telling us what we could and could not do all the time (maybe another reason why I hate being told what I should and shouldn't do even now).
I saw Bradley, and the dry room where we sat and talked, and felt those feelings of love for him, and then going to bed and waking up the next day scared again - I didn't feel ready for a relationship, I thought I would be expected to do things I didn't want to, and I felt like I didn't know what to do. I also didn't want to get attached to someone new in case they got wrenched away from me again: I had learnt that the only person you can depend upon is yourself.
I can't remember exactly what I saw after that, but I felt all those lonely and scared, hateful and wistful emotions all over again. I think I also felt angry at my parents for letting me go, and at my mum for not taking me back.
I also went back to the time I suddenly realised that I was an attractive girl - at that swimming gala where after I stepped down, everyone whistled at my 'legs up to my neck' I think were the words someone used. Hahahah funny.
This time it wasn't so gut wrenching, I didn't go so deep into painful emotions: I flipped around to places a lot. I started at when I was inside my mum, then being born. I felt my mum's fear mixed with pain and also a happiness that I was ok when I was born, and then the fear as I was whisked away when all she wanted to do was to hold me. Think that had a lot to do with that separation anxiety I always got away from my mum in shops and things when I couldn't see her - thankfully I grew out of it.
I also went to a few places in Indonesia - I went somewhere and felt jealous of my brothers playing with my dad. I think I knew he could relate to them better, so I did become a little more tom-boyish than I otherwise would have. I felt that maybe then my dad would be there for me a little more. I always had that attention thing - I've still got it now, when other people are getting more attention than me I feel left out and a little jealous of them, even though I know it's stupid and everything I mean what's the point! It's defo the ego talking.
I also went to that time when the boy came to stay in Indo-the first time I remember feeling anxious about a member of the opposite sex being attracted to me. It was because (at least this is what I felt), my brothers were downstairs playing with him, and I knew they would tease me about it if I went down and they saw that I liked him a bit too. So I went into my room and watched them from there feeling strange about it. If it had just been me and the boy I probably would've been fine and muddled my way through it, even been flattered. Darn brothers!
I also went to the moment my Grandad died, I saw him in that room with mum, mum was crying and he was sinking further and further into himself, then he kind of streamed out of the side of his mouth, like he was smiling or something. He went past my mum and out of the window, and then he was with my Grandma and again he was happy, he was ok.
I went to the operation of my Dad, and felt all that again - I always have a bit of a block there and I felt sad again (which apparently means there's something there that I'm keeping inside about it all rather than releasing it). Hanna helped me a bit later on, and she said she could see him, and that he was weak and the operation made him stronger somehow, but then he was too weak to live in that body again - it helped him to leave his body rather than suffer. That he knew what was going on - he didn't just go into the operating room and not come out again but instead he was there, and decided to let go. That this was it. And he knew that we had to not be there for him to be able to leave as well, he loved us so much the pull was too strong when we were around (this kind of makes sense).
I ended in this field somewhere, walking, happy, feeling light (I kept having these feelings that heavy things were leaving me, it was really strange - like I had when I did the Reiki that one time), and also I had a lot of resistance this time to stay deep, I really wanted to not be there, and to leave the room, but I think it was because it was uncomfortable, and I was REALLY hungry, which never helps!! I did have a few forays into thinking about the guy I met at New Year as well, in rather a rude but pleasant way so that was cool, I had to keep taking myself back into the past rather than daydreaming about the future.
Oh I also went back to that little room I had at university, which was strange, being upstairs and being in my little haven, and being happy - it gives me the same feeling as this flat (when this flat is tidy and not strewn with papers as it is now), and I had this nice journey back into the car with Dad driving me home from University, a time when I could really sit there and be with him and enjoy the ride and talking to him about everything going on in my life (also of getting frustrated when he pulled over to have a little nap). I forgot how much I liked those times. A nice memory.
You really do experience those things vividly, and then try to really feel the emotion and let it out with breaths. I'm not sure how but it explains some of the emotional feelings we get even now, the emotion gets trapped there and then comes out when you're experiencing something similar when you're adult, even though you really don't need to experience it in the same way (i.e. as a confused and slightly lost little soul), it's really interesting!!
Go hanna, the girls were right in that it really is a strange but profound experience in that little room with her.
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