Romantic Italy - not.

So highlight of my holiday was NOT splitting up with my boyfriend and then spending the next four days with him. The beautiful man who just didn't love me as much as I loved him - it turns out. Whereas I saw our differences as interesting and was trying to find things we both liked doing together (like going to Italy!) he saw us as not being compatible long-term. We had a conversation the sunday before we went - I think just after I wrote the last blog, where he told me that. Admittedly not the best the timing. To be honest the first few days it was just so nice to be away together, bit of time. We missed the bus at naples and had four hours to wait, and had one of our nicest moments together having lunch. Thought everything might just be ok.
After that it started to go a bit downhill, although it was still lovely, he was acting a bit funny with me (if my instincts that have never been wrong were right again). I was trying to ignore it and just see if I could carry on and pretend like things were ok, but all my instincts were trying to get me ready for splitting up - thinking about next year and what I want to do. He changed - not being so affectionate, never saying he loved me any more, not wanting to be with me alone (our first night away from his friend he told me he wanted to spend time with the other hosteliers). Maybe he could get the vibe off me that I was just dying inside.
Then our first night alone together in our own bed, he came in put the TV on and started watching it, we weren't really talking to one another, I was feeling really strange. We went out to dinner and he was being pretty grumpy with me (which he can be when tired), but I just got upset - it was always brewing there just below the surface... I'm not very good at hiding what I'm feeling - although it seems M like most men can really separate out the emotional and the physical - he was successfully doing this on hol. Perfunctory physical side of him.
Anyway I got upset and when he asked me what was wrong, I felt like telling him everything is wrong! When we got back the apartment I did tell him what I was thinking, and that I couldnt go on feeling like that, and that I wasn't feeling very sure of us or happy at the moment. He basically said, he's been having these massive doubts and as it's coming up for a year, he's been feeling maybe it's time to call it a day before it goes any further. He said he loves me but he doesn't think we're compatible enough to make each other happy - what he said on our last chat. It wasn;t anything specific, just a general feeling he gets (I thought love was trying to make it work though??). And that he was only feeling 50/50 as to whether we should try (to me those odds just weren't good enough after a year?? or is that just me, I have a feeling Frances would tell me that those are at least something to try with??). After I'd heard all that how could I convince him that I think we should carry on trying (although I did broach the subject later that I thought we gave up a bit easily - like the first hurdle he just wants to call it quits). I tell myself that tells me he didn't feel as strongly as I did as I would've done anything to try a bit more, with a bit of reassurance that's what he wanted.
So we broke up, just on the most romantic part of the holiday with the drive through the Amalfi coast to go (Postiana etc from the start at Salerno). And sleeping in the same bed, and me feeling like my heart was breaking and him being seemingly sure we were doing the right thing, and being almost fine about everything - like it was a relief that it had happened, now we could both deal with it. He did deal with my tears very well - even the last few days seemed pretty civilised, because he's such a nice bloke.
Leaving me to ask what went wrong?
1. He is committment shy
2. we don't have enough in common\
3. he just wasn't ready for what I was
4. I shouldn't have kept asking him in roundabout ways what he wanted - mum says men find it v easy to do the runner. Never mention committment.
4b He was younger and at a totally diff stage in his life to me, I always knew that, the love just made me blind to it. He has probably a good 6-7 years before he gets to where I am in my life (i.e. with a flat and getting somewhere in career, he is travelling now, remember how different that feels!!)
5. I needed to accept him for what he was and in the end, for some reason, I just couldn't with everything.
5b He always had to be right, which meant I was always the one trying to change, that isn't in my nature, unfortunately.
6. He was never going to get the romance thing. Mum thinks that men never do, and I found it pretty hard to show him - I felt like I was pretty caring with him and I deserved some of that back without asking for it.
7. I should've asked for a lot more things I needed and seen how he reacted, I have a feeling with the vibes he was putting out, I was scared to.
8. I always knew from our conversation at the start that he needed an 'out', an escape route, and in the end he just had to push the eject button and use it.
9. How he reacted at the end just confirmed what I thought - his feelings weren't as strong as mine. And he was scared of going past the year mark (suddenly, he was talking about it up until a month ago).
10. I don't feel like my heart is ever going to be the same again!!

Quite how am going to cope with working with him I don't know. I guess just go in and take each day as it comes and see what happens.
I didn't think I would revert back to this if we split up....have never felt so bad before.

Remember what F said about him having idealistic view of relationships, not knowing how to make them work, not knowing what to do to try and make it together - and I'm not exactly the expert either (like M says, we're both pretty similar in this respect as we're v different in many others, maybe he needs someone to show him what to do, whereas I thought we could figure it out together).

I loved his masculinity and I thought he was pretty sensitive too, but it turns out he really wasnt sensitive at all, and didn;t know how to nurture my sensitive side (am I dreaming to want someone who does??) My lack of experience in relationships meant I didn't know how to tell/show him, without literally telling him/showing him. Maybe he needed steering cleverly (as mum said) rather than telling straight out - although to begin with he said he liked this about me...

lastly I think to spare me going crazy thinking about it, I am just going to have to trust his judgement on it - whether we weren't right for each other, whether he just got scared off a bit, whether we could have tried a bit longer, with him feeling as he did, I think the end result would probably have been the same. And as I know my feelings he must have been pretty sure with his otherwise he would've wanted to try.

I just wished it hadn't happened on holiday, in the most romantic place in the world, and my one regret will be that I had to bring it up that night rather than try to sleep on it and see what happened over the next few days.
If he was as spooked as he was seeming to be though then it probably would've happened when we got back, next week, the one after, and I have to beleive that. This way we did get to say a long goodbye - although it was embarrassing on my part as he saw the part he probably hasn't before in a breakup.

Remember the last night - his 'proposition', his repeating that 'it's for the best', his wanting to watch the rugby instead of being with me (which still annoyed me), his loud brash opinions on everything, his always having to be right - and me being tired of trying to get my opinion across. All of this would have only have got worse. And I tell you the way am feeling now, I'm glad I didn't love him any more than I already did.

A very sad me. xx