The grief bubble

So many people have said this to me over the last week or so, but splitting up with someone you love really is like a bereavement. You think about them, you miss them, you have flashbacks to times you were out, you can't imagine that you are ever going to feel better again. But then bit by bit you do....I have been keeping myself busy as I can without going crazy (which unfortunately means that whenever I am by myself as now I get really upset just when I think I may be feeling better about things). I remember the feeling when my Dad died of life just carrying on around me, and you can't quite believe that work goes on, you still get hungry, that other people talk about different things, that days come and nights go - how can it when you are feeling so bad about everything? It's a comfort and a wonder to me that I'm supposed to now be completely normal even though I really feel like a part of me is missing. I feel like a robot.
I went out on Friday night for some cocktails with the girls and at points in the evening I just looked around and it felt like everyone else was laughing and smiling around me while I was just sat there, feeling kind of numb. It's like a grief goldfish bowl or bubble surrounds you...I guess that I go out anyway (beats sitting at home feeling sorry for myself!) and hope that the the times that bubble is burst becomes more and the times it surrounds me become less.

The one good thing is have got my appetite back which is a good thing, except because my body has been in starvation mode, I now can't stop jamming every kind of crap into my gut - junk-food, chocolate, all sorts of carb-loaded stuff. At least it means my body is fighting back a bit.

As for my mental state I can't stop everything going around and around in my head, the worst part of which is that it's beginning to taint all the nice times we had together, I can remember the end and what happened and why it happened, and what I could've done and what he could've done, and all the rest is getting pushed out. At least I can read about it here at a future date, I hope.

My friends have been brilliant, and keep making sure I have lots of options of things to do, bless them.

Work HAS been horrid, just taking it a day at a time. I'm not sure how long I can take it though unless it starts getting easier...I can't zone him out any more so the fact he's laughing and joking about the office while I feel like my heart's been ripped out is really painful, and makes me doubt how much he really felt for me. I don't want to see it or him at the moment!! I loved his voice and his laugh, it makes me even less able to concentrate on things - having problems anyway...

Anyway, here's to another week going past and feeling a bit better about things, hopefully. And to stop moping around so much. I asked to see him on weds, just to see if he can shed any more light on what happened, when he started feeling wierd about things, why we didn't talk about it, and whether he knows what changed for him. Rubbing salt in the wound...maybe, but at this stage I have nothing to lose and he may be able to tell me something to help me see what caused the roadcrash!!