Had an up and down weekend, following the up and down week. Went to the 'quiz night' on friday which made me feel really just dumb - a) because that lot are all so much more intelligent than me.
b) because I was back at N's house (the count) in a very different context, with all the hope and expectation dashed.
He got his quite drunk self quickly, and was sat most the night surrounded by 4 or 5 of the younger girls, me not included. He was flirting with them a lot.
Erik didn't talk to me too much, he was mostly talking to the blond girl Erika about how many evenings they'd both have with Nora once she gets here (so now he obviously likes her) = kinda cute. The Erika girl was annoying me though, she is so young and acts it. (and yes at one point she disappeared with N and came back down looking very pleased with herself, so that didn't help).
I found I missed him this week, even though when I think about it today, I know that I miss only my idea of what he was like/could've been like - the reality is quite different. I miss the holiday N who was so much more relaxed about it all and thoughtful and lovely. The one who would give things a chance. Not the drunken, slightly heartless, womaniser flirt I see again before me back in Amsterdam.
I know I'll get over it with a bit of time, but I do feel a bit hurt. And don't really want to go out with just me and him on friday night - why on earth didn't I just say I didn't think it was such a good idea? I thought I could handle it, but after the friday night just gone, where I had to go out and drink afterwards just to make myself feel better again, I'm not so sure.

Amsterdam yesterday was beautiful, sunny and chilly. Met up with Micala and natalie for some shopping and a coffee. Then we went out last night to meet Signe, Becky, Pascale and some others, Carissa and Daniel came (those two so in love, it's so sweet to see), and then they invited us to this strange, but really happening, really fun studenty party which was absolutely going off, and we danced our asses off for about 4 hours. Had so much fun!! Drank too much again though which has meant that today I feel rubbish.

I'm waiting a bit for this bloke called Thor to call me today, met him after Micala dragged me to another bar after I was so sad leaving N's place. He was a little mad, quite full on, and quite a good kisser, but he hasn't called yet. He was exactly what I needed that night though as he was very attentitive and very complimentary about me. Which makes a change??

And I'm done with chasing...or playing games...or pretending to be other than I am.