I am posting this, but I wrote it on thurs after my evening out. This week has been very long and very bizarre, tension is palpable at the office and I did warn him I don't handle these things very well. It's all turned into myself berating myself for being surprised it has turned out this way. It was only a couple of weeks, thank god, and when I look back they were very nice indeed (thanks very much!!) I suppose at some point we will talk about it, but right now, not. Because I don't really know how to bring it up or what to say. I think I know what the main reason was, we got on so well together when we were all out and together, bit of banter going on, but once we were alone neither of us were as bothered - how bizarre is that. Anyway, this is what I wrote...

Just be true to yourself

Oh god, so am writing this, trying to remember the above philosophy that a 21 bloody one year old just reiterated to me. GO figure. I have to be honest, feel utterly drained.
Once again I seem to have gone for exactly the sort of guy who it was never gonna work with, and who I kinda always knew that, and yet I still went for it, and was still hurt when it didn’t work out. What is that all about? It’s like going to a horror film knowing it is gonna be bloody scarey and then being surprised when it scares you after you’ve watched it and you’re by yourself…

I managed to resist the temptation of C, which was being pushed on me none too lightly.
Managed to be there while J was obviously there and not wanting anything to happen (did I really with what has gone on the last few weeks?) I don’t know, it’s more a matter of pride than anything else!! I think I handled it pretty well even while my romantic part was dying (again).

I feel empty and I know this is all about me, you can’t rely on what someone else makes you feel, be happy in yourself and nothing else will matter. But that tiny thing for so many other people is a big thing for me.

In the meantime, I know it will all be ok.
That it is more about him than me.
That he was just expecting something else from me, but you know what, I expected more from him too.
That what first attracted me to him (my differences) actually became what put him off me, and maybe vice versa.

And in the meantime, I have to do something about it. Like Dom said, if you know something is wrong then you have to try and fix it, otherwise you’re not being true to yourself. If you can’t, well at least you bloody tried!

Here’s to a bit more reality.
To recognising my instincts and why they happen.
To no going for someone who the odds are stacked against.

And to yet again telling myself these things and knowing them, while he (he) is fast asleep and snoring in bed….whatever!!