25-06

I’ve got to stop making excuses and start being who I want to be…I don’t know why I’m finding this so hard right now!
It’s crazy.
I feel like I’m stuck in a load of gloop and I’m struggling to get out, and yet I put myself in that gloop. It’s quite a strange feeling.
I spent the day today feeling really tense and dizzy and strange. On the way home I almost started crying, and when I got home I did start crying.
Then I went to my dance practise because I knew it would make me feel better (it did).
It’s sunny and warm outside, the weather has turned amazing and yet I feel rubbish – still lack of energy, low and no motivation to do anything.
I’m trying to give myself a break but I’m getting fed up with myself being this way so it’s like a vicious cycle.
It’s the weekend, tomorrow got a boat party and BBQ planned, which’ll be nice I hope. Sunday something like nieuwemeer (new lake) somewhere near amsterdamse bos. Or park action or something like that…I have to take it easy this weekend, easier than last weekend because I spent the whole week feeling tired – last night I slept about 9+ hours and still couldn’t get out of bed this morning.

Good thing is I made the effort with a load of new friends so am feeling better on that side of things. I did pilates on weds, tomorrow doing a BBQ and boat trip and Sunday also with them. Monica has gone to Sweden for a two week hol before her next job starts, and Mia still not been in touch at all. Jen has dropped me a couple of texts. They’re still around am just not depending on them for anything any more and it’s made me feel a bit better to move on from that, although I still feel sad when I think about it. Guess I’m too sensitive an old b to be a proper expat or something…
Mum hasn’t been in touch for a while I hope she’s ok, and her feet are healing. I’ve missed her the last few weeks and looking forward to her spending some time with me in couple of weeks time. Especially if the weather’s like this, we’ll go to the amstel and oude kerk finally and maybe the beach again.

Hope the weekend is the kind of weekend I need. SJ