From this sunday, 20th June.

Had an interesting evening with Ilko tonight who’d sadly just broken up with his beau. Sad because he really liked him and it seems the guy has just been scared off by his intensity of feelings and some strange interfering other woman too in part of an energy circle.

Quite draining because I can’t just sit and listen to his (in record phase about how he can’t understand why this guy just broke it off with him), have to chip in my own thing, realize how I’m just waiting around to meet someone again. Or am I? I’m not really trying to meet anyone at the moment but also not so happy, but there are a lot of things underneath why not so happy…and they don’t seem to be going away unfortunately. I get the feeling I’m wallowing a little bit but don’t know how to snap out of it. I’m still feeling low, unconfident, unsexy and strangely jealous of all those who I feel have all the things I never manage to find. So that’s it, I’m going to go and talk to someone again. Be proactive as I can be.

But I swear if anyone else says it happens when you’re not looking for it, really? When you’re single are you really never looking for it? Is that my problem that I’ve never, at least since I've remembered. just let myself be and if you don’t know how to do it, how can you? I know if I meet someone now they’re not even going to see anything in me because I can’t see anything in myself (there I said it!!), even though I know I should see more in me than I do. I’m supposedly friendly and lovely and cute and intelligent (thanks wynn and ilko). But not feeling any of those right now.

I had a shopping weekend to try and make myself feel better, bought sportswear and some summer stuff, spent quite a lot of money oops. Not really worked but got some nice new stuff to wear and run in, been upping the running so just about back to 40 mins run now.

Met an interesting American guy at a party last night we had a strange sparky conversation, but then I didn’t follow it up with any flirting and he didn’t come back and so nothing. I woke up this morning feeling stupid because he lives in Portland and I could do with knowing someone there for when I’m there at the end and the others are flying back to here…that was a bit silly. I may try and do something about that (but again is that trying too hard to force something to happen when I should just leave it?).

I’m driving myself mad by thinking something and then wondering if that’s how I should act and if by doing that I’m fucking something up (or by not doing it). I want to just stop all that conversation in my head happening! I tell you what I do need to do, need to stop all that half arsed conversations happening and try and close the deals a bit more. Give my number away, chat some more, do more eye contact, all the stuff I literally find impossible!