I wrote this on saturday night, but had sworn not to go online. I have spent too much time online job searching!

I realised when I got home last night – and bumped into my flatmate and his girlfriend being all smug and coupled up. I don’t even blame M any more for what happened, I still feel sad that he didn’t see the potential in it that I did, and I think he’s been a bit of a fool, but I think that will never go. What does upset and annoy me is that there is this part of me that’s gone – the part that believed something like that could happen and make me so happy. I feel pretty bitter towards anyone else that has it (smug Clapham couples mainly) and I know they’re not to blame and I shouldn’t let one person make me feel like that. On the other hand I don’t know if I will ever be able to believe that everything is as good as it seems again – will always be wondering if there is some other story going on in their head, and not trust it like I did, and that’s when I get into the dating/being with someone else I like phase (that at the moment also seems a bit unbelievable). I have become this bitter person and I don’t know what to do about it.

That is what is sucking right now….

Monday
Since then I have cheered up a bit, have been doing more job hunting today - have a couple of leads tomorrow and another three on thursday. Weds I have the day off to see my friend Rachel who I haven't seen properly for ages. I figure there's got to be some advantage to being unemployed, lol.