The Sanderson bar (very posh) Valentine's day...


I wrote this last night, very late. It's good to get it all out!

No one else will understand quite how much valentines day means to us English girls, but still. It’s not so much the day as the one time a guy you’re dating can show you that he really cares just a little bit.

It’s no surprise that quite a few relationships go onto the rocks on this day then….quite a few guys don’t quite make the cut. I, personally, don’t understand why they don’t make life easier for themselves and just tell or you show you what you want to see/hear. Even if just for a quiet life. I have thus far in my life not been out with a guy who’s been capable of it. And I have to say that the next time I’m dating someone over it, if they don’t show me the love I want to see then I will take it as a sign of their attitude in general. And it will be a dumpable offence. Two girls I know this day have already done the same thing – one going out with an ex of mine, and ended it today. Another friend of mine just ended it with her boyf this week, is still totally in love with him and has finally seen that she can never really change him. It’s always going to be this uphill struggle.

The more I see and talk to friends of mine, the more I realise that actually I wasn’t wrong, or even asking that much of M when we were seeing each other. When we were having our ‘relationship’ even though I loathe to call it that now as I don’t think we really had a relationship as we didn’t ever talk about what was important to us.
I was pretty understanding and lenient with him when it came to the whole ‘what you do in a relationship’ thing, and maybe I was too so. I should’ve put my foot down a whole lot sooner. I’m sure if I’d put my foot down it would’ve ended and it wouldn’t have got quite so far down the ‘wrong’ track as it did. Then again, my friend has gone 3/4 years down that track. That’s what love does to ya I guess. It makes you compromise on things you normally wouldn’t compromise on at all.

In the meantime of all these realisations I feel OK. I would loved to have seen how M would deal with this valentine’s day after last year’s failure, but seeing as that hasn’t happened, I have been out with the girls, I’ve had a few drinks and a LOT of laughs, and as I wasn’t expecting anything, have had a lovely night. Much lovelier than when I was laying down the law (or at least trying to) with M a year ago.

I think he’s seeing someone else now. In fact I’m pretty sure of it. As much as that hurts, it doesn’t hurt as much as I thought it would, because it all seems so distant to me now. Life moves on and, quite frankly, is too darn short to keep being so sad.
One thing is clear, as long as you have no expectations then you can’t be disappointed. But once you are with someone, you have to have expectations otherwise the whole thing ends up being one big compromise where neither party feels happy. One because they feel like they can never please, and the other because they feel like they’re always pushing the other one to please when really they don’t want to or know how to.

It’s also clear I have learnt a lot from what happened, which is the only thing you can do. Yeah, I’m not over it yet. But I’m ready to be over it now. And so I watch, and I wait .and I am consciously making an effort to be happy because I’ve had it with being sad.

Happy Valentine’s Day y’all. May it be full of love, wherever that love comes from. xxx