How hilarious, it’s the dawn chorus again and I am just getting to bed. As slightly (!) tipsy as I am I wanted to write this now just to get across some of what I am feeling. Have just had another very funny night with Mali. She blames me but she is definitely the instigator of a lot of the long dawn hours and fun I have been having since I have been here in Amsterdam. Am not going to look younger than my age (if indeed I do look younger) for long if I stay here doing what I’m doing….



It seems to be my lot in life to be surrounded by sexually confident and curvy dark, exotic looking women. Michelle, Mara (ok not curvy but everything else), Anna and now Mali. I have never seen as many women as these get so much attention from the male of the species. Now they go complaining about their weight, how curvy they are, yet walk into the bar, and likely as not everyone will look at her except for one. Luckily, sometimes, that one is the one who I like. And if that happens, and because it happens quite rarely, I am more likely to take notice of it and do something about it. Tonight the guys at the bar were blatantly looking at Mali, this guy who was absolutely amazing looking; Somehow not my type (why…? Not quite quick witted enough, a bit slower, a bit too sweet? Dull? Stonking looking though….and part Indonesian, but not speaking any Indonesian at all, odd!) liked her, she wanted to talk to the blonder, wittier, cute guy who I actually thought was nicer. He then liked her too, and then she went back to the other guy and he asked for her number meanwhile I was sat on the bike talking to ‘Sil’ who might’ve liked me if he’d talked to me longer, I could see there was some sort of spark there, looked squirmy, because he was also wanting to ask for her number, but was stuck chatting to me…..Odd situation. One I seem to find myself in often as I’ve said…I don’t what I did in a past life, but I am obviously somehow tying to repair that now. So much fun though – got taken to De Pijp, And Tabac, and then Café River, and then Café Nol for the after-hours…Apparently one of the worst places, but very amusing for me trying to experience everything dutch I can. The half Indonesian guy (don’t even know his name, oops, neither does Mali), was explaining to me the lyrics about this guy flying a kite, putting a message on it, flying it up to his mother who’d died so she could read how he was doing. Quite a nice thought but to the worst tune ever in the world!!

Anyway, have had a lovely day today – going to the markets, shopping (yes spent more money on clothes I shouldn’t have, really need to stop doing the sales now!!), doing the food market at Nordemarkt (on WesterStraat), feeling pretty Dutch about everything again. Then having to go into work to battle more for my copy (fail again), and then out tonight.

The weirdest thing is have made some sort of decision about Jordy. I want to write this down here so that when it all goes pear-shaped I remember this moment and can remember why I did it and it felt so right.

Everything I have done in my life, would I have changed it? Not really, even the mistakes I learnt I had to make to gain more feeling, more of an emotional depth. The M thing was really hard, but I learnt so much from it, I learnt that I could feel something a lot more deeply than I would ever have known. I loved. Properly, deeply, completely. I learnt also that feeling that way about someone does not guarantee that they will or can feel the same way about you. That timing is everything, and not to fall that deeply again without being at least sure they were in it for what I was. Plus it was amazing while it lasted, I have some very cool memories of it all. And I grew. Can I deny that again, it might be wrong, it might be stupid, but if it is, I will deal with it and I will learn something else from it. I will be grown-up, decent about everything, and I am sure he will be too. I am fed up of denying things or not doing something, because it’s not the right time, it’s the wrong place, I can’t, I don’t feel right, I don’t feel the same way, all the thousands of other excuses I put in between me and what I am feeling. Like I read somewhere, there are never the 'wrong decisions' only decisions that influence what happens, followed by the decision that happens next.