I'm reading this book on Zen, and I'm halfway through. I still can't help thinking that it's a kind of religion for those people who don't believe in religion.
The two people I know most who've been into it - S & C are the two people I feel are searching for something the most. Almost continuously searching, and no matter where you look for something the only place you can find most peace is within yourself. And I guess that is what Zazen is saying - that the only place you can find enlightenment is through being and feeling yourself, and feeling yourself part of this bigger thing. Then why do those people feel the need to do extreme things to experience this. Like practising abstinence, like going away to meditate for hours on end, like doing all these things that take you away from the world and into yourself. I can't help wondering that if you're the sort of person who has to look that deeply, then you feel like you're missing some big chunk?
Zazen would say that the reason I don't believe or want to look for this enlightenment is because I'm scared of finding out what I'm missing, and maybe it's right. Why do I want to strive for something that I'm not going to be able to do properly ever, and feel like I am almost there and never actually there. I'm not so sure.
Also don't know if it's because he just broke up with someone, but I do feel like C has a lot of issues - he is this amazingly charismatic, charming, interesting, intelligent, deep man. He is talented at work, working for one of the most amazing agencies, and he can write - he has this amazing skill to do things that other people can't do, and yet he seems to feel like he always needs to be working, always needs to be better. Maybe that's why he is where he is, and I am where I am, yet I'm a lot happier than him.
He also wants to be with a dutch woman, he wants to be with a posh girl, he wants to have a connection, he wants to have a physical attraction, he wants, wants, wants, and then seems to not like himself for wanting them. Or for finding out when he gets them they weren't what he thought/still aren't what he wanted.
He seems exhausted and sad, yet energised and focussed in other ways, and I'm doing my damndest not to want to fix him somehow.
At least what I've learnt from before is that you can't fix people, it's something they have to do for themselves - and I guess with all I've said before he does want to.
But I hope he finds his peace and happiness I really do.