What a strange week I've had. Really up and down again...but tonight was nice - just went to the erotic museum on ouderzijds achterburgwal, for a night invited to by Heather, and enjoyed it. It's just being in work that I'm not enjoying right now.

Today was bad. They keep employing so many people around me that I'm losing faith in what I can do myself, or maybe the reason I'm still there is that I lost faith a long time ago. I need to break that. Today just had a shitty day with shitty projects feeling shitty about myself.

However it's funny that I manage not to give a hoot about what my two colleagues think of me any more. I have to see this as progress. There would've been a time when the way I work now would've really upset me. Now I don't care about the work so much that I don't care I'm not doing it, and I certainly don't care I don't have to work with them. Guess I should see that as at least some progress.

Still getting far too bothered about what people think of me though - Jen jen is right, I need to sort that out. Depending on other people for how I feel about myself is ridiculous. I think everyone does it to a certain extent, but those of us who lack confidence do it more than most. I mean I feel happier just because the boy texted. And now he's going away for weeks so I should not let myself feel like that at all!!

I think that is what I admire in people who have that much more confidence than me so much...they don't depend on others for how they feel about themselves.

I should meditate on it and see what comes up.

This weekend I have a fairly low key one going on - good because next weekend it's going to be a good one (going to a party where it'll be going off a bit).

My neighbours came over for dinner yest, they really are sweet. I was tired from the day/week though and couldn't stop yawning when 11pm came around - they took the hint and went after that but I'm sure they thought I was pretty rude (see there I go again!!).

Anyway uber tired. Let's see how it goes with all my productive plans for tomorrow. Like I said, strange week.